Finding Love at Fridays

It is a well-known and scientifically proven fact that most of the cool kids from high school end up marrying each other and eventually living in trailer parks. Less well-known is that a small percentage of the cool kids escape this lifestyle and become something else altogether.

Those that avoid the trailer park fate continue to discuss the winning touchdown in the big homecoming game, continue to work out, continue to drink heavily, and continue to hit on high school girls. At the peak of this cycle they apparently land some sort of job as a defense contractor or in the oil industry or business consulting and then come to Ukraine to buy a bride. We had a chance to witness a few of these folks today.

Today we decided that we absolutely needed some decent American food and in Kyiv, that equals one of two places: McDonalds or TGI Fridays. I should state that we aren’t the sort of travelling snobs who think we’re too good to eat at an American restaurant while overseas. I’d eat there in America so why would I be above it here? True, for a week long vacation I wouldn’t spend time in the Hong Kong KFC, but we’re in Kyiv for two freakin’ years, people. So today we went for the first time to TGI Fridays. What a reverse culture shock!

First of all the host defaulted to English as soon as we walked in. Although I could credit that to the fact that we don’t look at all Ukrainian, I think it had more to do with the fact that every single table in the restaurant was occupied by people speaking English. In Paris or Prague this may not be that unusual, but in Kyiv this is strange. The few tourists Ukraine actually gets tend to be Russian or maybe Japanese. It is a bit off the average American’s radar. All of the waiters seemed to speak English (again, rare.) The menu was entirely in English only — no skimming past the Ukrainian and then the Russian to see if there was English. The service was decent for Ukraine. The waiter actually came by during mid-meal to ask how things were. This absolutely never happens. If they had free refills you’d almost think you were in Dayton, Ohio.

Anyway…back to the point at hand. There were four guys at the bar. All obviously emotionally and intellectually stunted at a point coinciding with high school graduation day. There was lots of swearing, talking loudly, use of the word “dude!”, and far too many high fives. Three of them appeared to live and work in Kyiv, but I couldn’t tell doing what. The fourth seemed to be someone they had just met and he had the folder with the information for his future Ukrainian wife. He was going to be headed to the consulate this week to try and arrange the visa and passport.

I think I’ll never quite understand the men that come here to get a bride. All joking aside, it is a huge problem. There are ads everywhere here looking to hire women as escorts, for dating services, offering high paying work overseas, etc. They’re all scams. They lure these women in — mostly from the countryside these days as most of the women from Kyiv have caught on — and either sell them off to be sex slaves in places like Dubai or hook them up with men from America or other countries. The men that come are always of the same sort: middle-aged, above average income (a lot of former dot.com folks), zero interest in the culture or language of Ukraine or the background of the woman, and hopelessly ideolizing this new life they think they’ll have together.

This was our little taste of America for the day. Too bad it was those types of people we’ll remember. I imagine most of the others there were tourists or something else innocent and it would have been interesting to talk to them. Unfortunately, any time you hear an American accent at a restaurant like this you seem to run a 50/50 chance of it being someone here to meet their new bride.