I had my first Ukrainian traffic cop shakedown experience recently. I think it was about my fifth time driving the new wheels so I guess I was due. To be fair, I probably shouldn’t use the word “shakedown” as I probably did break the law. I’m not really sure. However, seeing as they were going to ask for a bribe anyway, I don’t see that the fact I may have turned left illegally makes the cops actions any better.
Cops in Kyiv don’t actually drive around and do anything. They park on corners and stand around with their “bribe sticks.” When they see someone go by that they’d like to pull over they wave the little stick and you’re expected to pull to the side of road. They then tell you what you did and explain that the fine can be payed immediately, in cash, to them. From what I’ve heard, the police don’t generally pull over cars with diplomatic plates, but I guess I found a cop who was feeling daring.
I pulled over when I saw him waving me down although I must admit I considered going on my way. I felt pretty confident they wouldn’t chase me when there are so many others to pull over. Anyway, I must have desired the experience so I pulled to the side and the police officer — who appeared, like most traffic cops here, to be about 18 — asked us to roll down the window. I was driving someone to the train station at the time and she complied. He then started telling me what I did wrong.
My Russian isn’t great, but I get by. I knew what he was saying, but I had heard the best defense was not to speak the language. So I let him talk for a while and then when he stopped, I stared blankly for a few seconds and said, “I don’t understand what you’re saying. I don’t speak Russian.” He then repeated my offense again and asked if I understood. I repeated more loudly that I did not understand. He then turned to my companion and asked her if she understood. Not understanding how this game worked, she admitted that she did. So then he told her what I did and she repeated it to me. I explained to her that I know what I did, but I wasn’t about to talk to him. We both then sort of stared blankly at him and he started asking for documents. I stuck to my guns and just kept ramping up the volume in my best immitation of an ignorant American.
Eventually, he gave up and sent us on our way. We weren’t worth all of the effort. Of course, in my pocket I had my diplomatic ID which is pretty much a trump card to everything, but I didn’t want to even show that.
All in all, a pretty educational experience. I learned that I can’t turn left at that intersection and that speaking loudly in English annoys people (it annoys me too actually.) He learned that Americans are dumb and don’t know to properly bribe a traffic cop. I think we both came out a little better for the experience.
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August 28, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Lisa O
Hilarious. Thanks for sharing. I love your ending about what you both learned. That made the experience
Background: I “met” you on the FSOA listserv. Keep up the great reading material and congratulations on making it into the FS. I’m a salmon on the list waiting for my big turn.
August 29, 2007 at 11:00 am
Jennifer
So this is what happens when I’m gone for a week?!
August 31, 2007 at 4:08 pm
James
Incidentally, I’ve seen vodka sold in bottles shaped like those batons.
September 7, 2007 at 1:12 am
Two Crabs
Hi there. I just came across your great blog while searching for advice on the Foreign Service. Love it! Hilarious insight into American expats. I’m taking the test in December. Wish me luck.
September 7, 2007 at 9:31 am
Shawn
Good luck, Two Crabs.
Have you actually been assigned a date and place yet? I didn’t know they had started assigning the December slots.
September 7, 2007 at 11:29 am
Two Crabs
No. I was going to take it this month in September, but I live in London and the new & improved test is not yet offered overseas. The US Embassy in London told me they will offer the test in December. Slot assignment will likely begin in late October or early November.
September 13, 2007 at 8:54 pm
jchrisrock
Nicely played, sir. I’m impressed by your loudness in the face of foreign authority.
October 9, 2007 at 7:30 pm
Michelle
I had my own police experience just before leaving Jerusalem. There was a left turn that I made almost every day when leaving the consulate to head home. Suddenly the Israelis decided there should not be a left turn there, which takes you onto a four lane road, but you should instead go straight into a one-way, one lane road. Because apparently traffic is not bad enough.
They had changed the light but not the painted arrow in the street, so I went into the turn like normal only to discover there was oncoming traffic (all legal left turns there have a turn arrow). So I stopped and the police comes running over. “You can’t turn left here.” “Since when?” “Since next week.” “I think you mean last week, but I always turn left here.” “Well, you have to go straight.” I am already into the turn at this point, so going straight would mean backing up in a busy intersection, which to me seemed more dangerous than finishing my turn. So I said, “I can’t, what do you want me to do.” And he responded, “You have to go straight.” We repeat these two sentences back and forth for about three or four verses, and in the meantime, my partner, who is also and FSO, develops terets, muttering over and over and over “F*ck you, mother f**ker” (clearly we’d been in Jerusalem too long). Finally, on my last, “I can’t, what do you want me to do,” the cop says, “You have to come with me.” I too have dip plates and a dip card, so I responded, “No, what else would you like me to do?” And he let me make my turn!
In my and my partner’s defense, insanity at the end of a Jerusalem tour is pretty common.
November 9, 2007 at 7:15 pm
John
Hey, I’m going for the FS and am on the econ register but am thinking of going to a former Soviet Country to learn Russian and get a boost. Do you think it’s safe for an american? If so, where would you recommend?
November 27, 2007 at 12:03 pm
mindthegap
Pretending not to speak the language is spot on - it’s happened a few times to me and so far we’ve escaped paying a single cent. Sorry - kopek.
February 7, 2008 at 9:48 pm
TulipGirl
One of the reasons we never got a vehicle in Ukraine. . . didn’t want to deal with the militsia.
Then again, public transport and taxis were so affordable and easy. . .